A Day in Life

The mood swings have lost their camber. The days blend into weeks and the life of quiet desperation becomes tolerable. After 25 years in the same occupation, having medicated to expose unbiased causes, I’m left to aging and perhaps ennui with routine.

My day starts with the alarm clock. It’s 6:30am and my first conscious thought is, “Already?” My bones and muscles ache as if I spent the prior day chopping wood. I doze for a few more minutes hoping to awaken with more hope and restfulness. It never happens.

It takes all my will-power to exit the bed, knowing that I have a solid eight hours of undesirable work ahead of me, but somehow I make it from the bed to the shower. The brain is still in the ‘off’ position, preferably. It’s not unusually cold in the house but the hot water from the shower provides a tiny bit of comfort. Like a minor extension on the unconscious lease of slumber under insulating bedding I let the water massage the top of my head.

The tacit checklist of my morning routine:

• messenger bag, locked and loaded
• cell phone, charged
• two breakfast bars, top pocket
• morning joe, travel mug
• red lunch box, armed
• 1 Adderall XR, consumed
• car keys, in hand and out the door

The old Land Cruiser provides yet more familiarity. It smells like the year it was built. 1987. I muscle my way onto the freeway and find the middle lane where I’ll track with traffic for the next 30 to 90 minutes depending on how many accidents there are between far North Phoenix and East Tempe. As soon as I integrate with the momentum of fellow commuters I unwrap and eat breakfast. NPR provides slow stories, along with expected traffic (mostly incorrect reports of accidents long since cleared.)

As I drive, I am unconsious. I care little for speed knowing that I’ll be at my desk of despair soon enough. I feel every joint and flaw in the asphalt beneath my all-terrain tires aired to 50psi to get better gas mileage. It’s a hypnotic journey and light massage at the same time. I enjoy driving and my commute provides a venue for morning prayer or meditation. Pray without ceasing. An exercise in patience.

Pulling into the parking lot is disappointing. The drive is complete for 9 hours when I’ll retrace my journey. Nine hours of doing activities that are against my will. I trade those hours for food, shelter, gas for my 23 year-old Land Cruiser, and the many maintenance costs associated with the supporting of a family. Some people are energized by their jobs and I envy those people.

My desk isn’t very personalized. In fact, when I’m not there you might consider my work area abandoned. Inside my messenger bag I keep my Mac, a folder of current projects, working spectacles, a pen, along with a few creature comforts to assist throughout the day. I extract each component to my work area and run triage on the days’ pressing project(s). I check email and task manager for any items needing immediate attention.

By now the Adderall has kicked in and I’m enjoying some focus. It really wouldn’t matter what the task is, I would be able to do it. But I also know that I have a finite amount of fuel for the day. With proper cadence I will be productive most of the day, but under a deluge of multiple, high-prority tasks requiring my immediate attention, I can be spent by noon.

Most of the time morning goes quickly. By lunch at around 12 to 12:30 I’m feeling first fatigue of the day, but I know that lunch will provide the fuel I need to endure the afternoon. Hopefully. I unpack my lunchbox at my desk and check my news haunts on the web, reading while munching, headlines of interest.

Even on the best days, post lunch is in some ways like getting out of bed. It takes a lot of discipline, or perhaps defiance of will to re-engage the work.

Across the pond it’s called Tea Time. For me it’s apple-O’Clock. I take a break from the dark cave of the office to eat my apple or orange on the deck outside of the building. It faces a residential area where I watch the politics of a wild colony of Love Birds. I am jealous of all those creatures who are able to live according to their nature. I think about what it is I would do if I had the luxury of doing anything. Nothing comes to mind so I finish my fruit and return to the business.

5 O’clock comes slow. The last hour or two are painful. I struggle to find the energy to continue work and feel guilty for not being able to concentrate like I can in the morning. Quitting time for the day finally arrives. I’ve put in a full day, with varying degrees of productivity. Some days better than others, but rarely a feeling of contented accomplishment. I write software that provides productivity to clients, but I never see the results, and the client is rarely satisfied. Software is intangible and seems to decay and be abandoned over time. Unlike an old piece of machinery that still takes up space and can be appreciated even as it rusts and decays, software is simply deleted leaving no evidence that it ever existed.

Writing software is a very hollow task that requires no less thought than any other engineering feat. Some programmers find intrinsic reward, but I can’t say I ever had. I’ve always been in it for the money. Probably not the reason to do anything.

Sometimes the commute home is slow, and sometimes seems to take forever. Traffic varies, but I’m always satisfied to be on the road again and letting the brain close down for the day. NPR can be annoying during this time of day so sometimes I’ll slap a CD into the player. Sometimes it’s the wrong selection though and I get irritated.

After dinner I take my medication/vitamin pile and decide what to do with my discretionary hour of the day. Sometimes I have a few head-cycles left but am cautious not to over-extend myself. Knowing that I have another day that I’ll need to endure I force myself to rest. I torture myself with thoughts that I need to do my job better and consider studying technical books but ultimately conclude that down time is better.

By 9:30 I am feeling sleepy and by 10 I’m in bed and fading rapidly. The thoughts of another day exhaust me and make it easy to doze off into the escape of unconsciousness.

The DOWn Mood

It seems like my mood has been following the stock market lately. Not really correlative, but resembling the wild swings.

The week started normal enough. Of course, a weekend too short followed by a week that seemed to drag on forever. I take an Adderall XR first thing in the morning and have pretty good cognition all day long. However, I seemed to have a couple days in the trough this week. Partially due (I’m sure) to a couple of programming challenges I was faced with along with a couple high stress days dealing with the mental whiplash of a basket full of unrelated, yet high priority tasks.

By Friday afternoon my plate was cleared again. As usually happens, I beat my head against the monitor for a couple days questionning my ability to do anything right. Then a miracle happens and I have a day of mental flow where everything seems to work as expected. That was yesterday.

Here’s a weird observance though. I forgot to take my meds on Thursday night. I can’t say Friday morning was any easier to get started with than any other day, but by mid morning my mood was lifting a bit. I’m sure some of that elevation was due to finally breaking through on some of my programming challenges, but I also noticed the joy lobe filling with anticipation and hope later in the day. TGIF perhaps?

Symbyax/Deplin for mood and Adderall for clarity. I have to give high marks for the Adderall, but not so much on the expensive stuff (Sym/Dep.) Even though my mood tanked this week, I have to admit that I was still able to focus and concentrate on tasks. I just hated my job during that time. Then again, I can’t say I’ve ever loved programming. It’s something I learned how to do a long time ago, and there has always seemed to be a job market for it. I’ve heard it said that when you do something you love, you never work a day in your life. Well, I’ve worked most every day in my adult life.

I’m hopeful this weekend. I’ll recharge the batteries, take it easy, and then slam into the next work week to see what happens.

Gack: eXtended Release

It’s been a roller coaster week for mental clarity. Following my Monday appointment with the head doctor, I began a prescription of Adderall XR (extended release.) I explained how I felt a quick tolerance to the medication had built, but doctor Fzckt quickly shot down my theory. She claimed that it should have the same effect today as a year from today. I’m still not entirely sold.

On Tuesday morning I began the XR.

I didn’t notice any snow falling. There wasn’t any demarcation event felt as the drug took hold. However, I found myself deep in code mode throughout the afternoon. I was focused and able to whittle algorithms under the warm covers of the new medication. This will work. No warm snowfall, but the ultimate result was positive. One nice result was that I felt mental acuity well into the evening, something that was not possible under the traditional version of the drug.

By Thursday I was caught up with all my pending work and looking into new projects. My QA dept. was running behind so I was looking for other tasks to remain productive during work hours. In reflecting back, I’m not sure my mood decay toward the end of the week had anything to do with medication. It’s quite possible that I was just experiencing a couple bad days at the office. Stuff that everyone endures from time to time.

Friday felt like a very long day. I reviewed code and tried to study up on some new techniques while I awaited briefing on a new project. I could easily have taken the day off to vegetate and recharge, but the rules of 8 to 5 dictate an office presence regardless of output. Who was it that said 70% of job success is just showing up?

By the end of the work week I was exhausted and feeling the urgent need to leave the keyboard alone. When I get in that state of mind I fantasize about never having to use a computer again. Thoughts race through my mind about how my life had taken a wrong turn many years back when I chose a career in Information Technology. I get down on myself, and feel very mediocre about my skills. After all, the truly successful people in any occupation are those with internal passion. I can’t say that if I didn’t have to earn a living, that I would spend much time on a computer. Probably just for communication and looking up information. Passive tasks, but I can’t say I’ve ever had a driving desire to understand and perfect my craft.

Friday night through Saturday I was in a foul mood. Not so much into breaking things as just a disinterest in everything. I was feeling like a failure at life and longing for the dirt nap. I took my Adderall XR on Saturday morning, but it didn’t seem to provide any respite. I lounged around the house most of the day searching for motivation. I read a couple magazines but was unwilling to commit to a book. Television is always a passive pass-time. Between cable and satellite I’ve got a few hundred channels to choose from. I watched a prison show and a documentary about head shrinkers of the Amazon. I think all the prison shows that have surfaced recently serve to provide contrast for our desperate lives as corporate slaves. They show that life can be worse so you feel a bit more grateful for the daily desperation.

This morning (Sunday) I took a traditional Adderall. I was in need of contrast — I needed a familiar snow storm in my head and wasn’t sure the XR would produce. Sure enough, 45 minutes later I’m feeling hopeful. The snow fell, and for the first time in nearly a week I feel like writing again. I’m sitting here considering a number of things that I could engage in today, but foreboding the beginning of a new work week. What if the XR doesn’t work? Was my day of rest yesterday a new requirement for a productive work week? Maybe there’s something to the biblical weekly day of rest.

The doctor gave me six months of Symbyax/Deplin and three months of Adderall XR. I don’t return for a follow-up until April… or until I need additional help.

Perhaps it’s not the Adderall after all. Considering my mood seems to be the culprit at the moment, maybe the Symbyax/Deplin isn’t properly actuating. I think if my work had been more structured toward the end of the week, I may have just felt the exhaustion without the hopelessness. I plan to stay away from the keyboard today in an effort to trickle-charge my batteries for the coming week. I’ll be back to the XR in the morning.

Mental Management

I’ve always enjoyed reading Ralph Waldo Emersons’ essays when I simply want some non-commital yet thought provoking literature. I’ve read most of them and have a few of his profound concepts indexed away in the back of my wisdom stash. I’m not very good at verbatim recall, but I think it’s the idea behind the text that’s important, right?

Here’s an example:

A foolish consistency is the hobgoblin of a little mind.

Does this mean that repetitive, perhaps OCD behavior is the evidence of limited mental capacity? Or does it mean that familiar tasks are demons to an un-challenged brain? I don’t know exactly, and like many of RWE’s writing, the translation is left with the reader.

There is this other idea in one of Emerson’s essays about the distant view of a tacking sailing ship. From the deck of the boat the ultimate direction may not be obvious to the crew, but to the captain and landbound observer, direction may be concluded by drawing a line of averages toward the horizon.

I feel as if I’m chemically ‘tacking’ my way into the headwinds of Depression and possibly ADD control. Each new pill takes me in a new direction. The dosage acts as my rudder.

Last week I probably steered into the wind a little harder than needed. The sail spun around and I lost a little momentum. Following a sense of tolerance for my new Adderall came some new anxiety. I took an Adderall vacation last weekend hoping to recover some virginity to the drug on Monday morning. It was a miserable weekend.

On Monday morning I took a single pill. Within the hour I was enjoying the warm snowfall in my head once again. Most of the day was productive but toward evening the scales were forming on my mind once again. I refrained from taking a second dose.

Tuesday through Friday I repeated the single dose. I’m pleased to report that I enjoyed stable predictability each day. It would be nice to have a clear head all the way to bed time, but I’m content to have a highly productive 4-6 hours early in the day. I’m also not taking a weekend med vacation this time. There’s no sense in hibernating through the weekend. Shouldn’t I be allowed to enjoy some non-work activity once or twice a week?

I have an appointment with Dr. Bjqvrk early Monday morning. I turn in my ADD screening questionnaire and will report back on my Adderall adventures.

Too Good to be True

If you were to graph my mental clarity over the past work week it would look like the Dow Jones at the end of 2008.

The week started off optimistic with my newfound substance. I popped a pink (20mg) tab Monday morning and by the time I hit the office I was firing on all cylinders. Even the often nebulous workload was met with anticipation and a will to conquer. By lunch time I was starting to fatigue a bit, so to doctors’ orders, I popped my second dose of the day. One of my fondest work memories will be the reverie I felt while coding that warm Monday afternoon.

Feeling absolutely high with possibilities for what the future now held, I enjoyed a quiet evening at home followed by easy and deep sleep.

Tuesday morning I was out of bed at 7 to begin a repeat of Monday. Like any get-rich-quick scheme, often the only merit is the anticipation. I swallowed the morning dose in anticipation of a productive morning. Sure enough, by mid-morning I was hacking code like a pulp novel. The afternoon dose didn’t seem to grip though.

On Wednesday the distinct effects seemed to be waning. While I was still functioning, the snowfall of clarity seemed less obvious. Still two doses, 20mg upon awaking and another 20 at 1pm.

Thursday morning I started to feel anxious and iritable. I was feeling more chaos in my thoughts and slinging regretable emails at clients… a usual response traced back to a head full of mis-firing synapses. I also started feeling much more fatigued.

By Friday the effects of Adderall had been reduced to disappointment. With no change of dose I stared at the monitor most of the day wondering what happened.

From a search on the Google it appears that Adderall tolerance is fairly common, and quick to build. I’m taking an ‘Adderall vacation’ this weekend to see if I can recover some benefit next week. Perhaps if I use it only in a break-glass-in-emergency situation, it will still provide some relief. If that’s the case, I wonder why the doc prescribed three doses per day?

Sipping from the Grail

The last two days were my road test for the new Adderall prescription. It was my first full days back at the office after the long holiday. I’m afraid words will do little to describe the stunning ride I’m enjoying on this chemical. The mental clarity I’m experiencing is a first. I have been able to focus on my programming like never before. Hours in code mode and none of the frustration I’ve become accustomed to expect. The day is full of the usual challenges but I’m not foreboding every minute of it anymore. I finally feel normal and capable of doing my work.

I eat one tablet when I wake up at around 7am. By lunch I’m starting to cloud up again so I take another full tablet at around 1pm. It’s about 8pm now and I’m noticing a distinct fog to background the loud hissing which indicates my amphetamine is running low. My prescription allows for three tablets per day, but so far I’ve only ramped up to two.

My biggest concern is that I might build a tolerance for it. When I started the first dose two weeks ago I only took a half tablet, yet I was flying around for a good part of the day. A couple days later I took a full pill and enjoyed similar affect. About a week ago I started taking a full pill in the morning followed by a half-sustainer in the afternoon. I didn’t really have a lot going on during the holiday that required mental cycles so I opted to keep the dosage down.

You always hear the stories from junkies who become addicted to medication and must continue escalating their drug intake just to feel normal. I’m hoping this med only shares a name with meth.

The Adderall Experience

Have you ever been in a warm snowstorm?

The air is still and the thick snowfall absorbs all acoustics. As the snowflakes land on your head you feel the movement of hair from the micro-gram particles that seem to virtually continue their fall through your body all the way to the souls of your feet. Unlike the cold of a humid Eastern fall, the often arid Western snowstorms provide a dreamlike experience where temperature doesn’t seem to be an issue. Standing in the middle of a field during a thick snowfall is nothing less than experiencing the core of a billowing and windless dream cloud.

About 30-40 minutes after taking an Adderall my head feels like it is being snowed on. The curtain of thick pollution I always awaken with in the morning seems to slowly melt away in cascades of warm, cerebral snow. For about five minutes my mind feels like it is waking up, much like the tingling sensation when a limb recovers blood flow after a restriction. With clarity comes hope, and with hope my day is no longer foreboded, but anticipated.

The snowstorm only lasts for a few minutes, but the mental clarity seems to last most of the working day. Currently I’m taking 20mg. Tomorrow will be my first day back at the office since beginning the Adderall. That will be my litmus test.

Driving

I worked with a woman who made several attempts at driving away from Depression. Seems she would hop in the car on a whim and find herself in another state a day or two later. Either out of gas, out of money, or out of a down phase, she would eventually call a relative, usually one of her teenage kids who would figure out a way for her to return. I knew this woman long before I was diagnosed, but was intrigued by her stories as I had entertained thoughts of driving away myself but didn’t know why.

When all else seemed impossible, a road trip always provided an antidote to the gray periods. Perhaps it was the low vibration of the car, or the rapidly changing scenery that required little effort. There was something about even a ride in an automobile that sedated me.

During several bi-polar downers a vehicular escape seemed my only way out. I would just drive until I couldn’t go any further. After that I would walk. Where, I don’t know, just to keep moving was all that mattered. Several times during college, and several times since I have started my car with the intention of driving somewhere for no reason. During times when waves of doom throbbed inside my head so intensely that I wanted to squeeze my skull in a vice. Somehow driving gave me something to do until the episode passed.

Even more profuse were the fantasies of escape. I really had nothing to get away from, but the thought of being free on the road provided respite for reasons I’m unable to articulate. However, it’s difficult to run when the culprit is a permanent stowaway in my own head.

My most recent escape episode happened just a day before my breakdown. I was at work, trying to work, but the mental was under siege. All morning I stared at the monitor but very little was happening. I couldn’t even perform simple typing. By lunchtime I was awash in swells of bent light and sound. I was at breaking point and needed exit. My co-workers were milling around the office but out of focus, and I was unable to communicate with them. I left everything at my desk, checked my car keys, and exited the office building. I got in my truck and mounted the Interstate eastbound toward the Supersition Mountains. The center lane was good, and 54 mph was even better. I just focused on the lane in front of me and felt the rhythm of the expansion joints as they thumped under my wheels.

Twenty minutes later I was still tooling along the 60. It wouldn’t be long until the freeway ended into a two-laner and I would be commited toward Globe, Miami, and points east. A spark of rationale got me thinking of where I might be that evening. I couldn’t think, where would I sleep. Then other thoughts of what my family would think. Was this truly my breaking point?

I swerved onto the 202 beltway northbound, in a slow arch that would direct me back to the office. My temporary mania subsided, back to the dull massage of the motor, wheels, and preditable freeway beneath. I knew I would be back at the office in a half hour. Escape aborted.

Back at the office it was apparent that I was in no condition to work, but that hour break on the road was enough to buy me another four hours of staring into the monitor. Then I could commute home, nobody the wiser for my lunch hour departure.

The next day I didn’t get out of bed.

Low Tank Warning

Today I learned two things. You know how most new cars have a low fuel tank warning? I’ve learned that when my head is running low on amphetimines my ears start ringing. Not the usual hiss I’ve been noticing for many months (years?) now, but rather a distinctly loud high-pitch ring. If I just let it go it seems to degrade after an hour or two, or until I pop another gack.

The other discovery was that I could code like a speed fiend. I finally got to my computer at around 2pm this afternoon. Having taken a full pill early this morning, my ears had started ringing. I popped a half tab and within a half hour I was focused and eyeball-deep into a programming project I’ve had on deck for months.

Four hours later and I was still going strong. I could divide and conquer without getting stressed out. Even if I found myself in an algorithmic cul-de-sac, I could simply negotiate the re-direct and continue making progress. It’s about 8:30 now and the Mars Volta seems to resonate well with the piercing wail between my ears. Time to land for the evening.

When all the worms come
Crawlin out of your head
Telling you
Don’t you be afraid

Is That AdderALL?

I’ve got Ravi Shankar streaming and my head is preparing for slumber.

Today I took a full Adderall tablet for the first time. Having enjoyed such a remarkable mental benefit on the substance, I’ve wanted to savor the experience. I’m just afraid that the results I’m experiencing are fleeting. As any junky will tell you: The first high is the best, and only high, you’ll ever have.

I’ve been eating a half tablet each morning, even skipping days during the holiday where I don’t need as much mental power. In another week I’ll be giving it the full test as I return to work. What if I squander all the good effects during the holiday? I guess I shouldn’t get too bent up… if it were of temporary good, why waste it for work anyway?

Furthermore, the prescribed dosage is three times daily. I can’t imagine what I could accomplish under such a dose, but I’m saving that for the day when I need to pull out all the stops.

The sensation of a full tablet wasn’t as manic as the first day when I took half a tab. Instead it was just a warm and calm mental state, like my brain was wrapped in a cozy mental blanket on a cold and rainy day. It didn’t matter what I needed to do, I felt the mental capacity to do it. I focused on a couple small tasks but was reluctant still to engage in any major projects.

• Recent Posts

  • A Day in Life
  • The DOWn Mood
  • Gack: eXtended Release
  • Mental Management
  • Too Good to be True
  • Sipping from the Grail
  • The Adderall Experience
  • Driving
  • Low Tank Warning
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