Mental Management
I’ve always enjoyed reading Ralph Waldo Emersons’ essays when I simply want some non-commital yet thought provoking literature. I’ve read most of them and have a few of his profound concepts indexed away in the back of my wisdom stash. I’m not very good at verbatim recall, but I think it’s the idea behind the text that’s important, right?
Here’s an example:
A foolish consistency is the hobgoblin of a little mind.
Does this mean that repetitive, perhaps OCD behavior is the evidence of limited mental capacity? Or does it mean that familiar tasks are demons to an un-challenged brain? I don’t know exactly, and like many of RWE’s writing, the translation is left with the reader.
There is this other idea in one of Emerson’s essays about the distant view of a tacking sailing ship. From the deck of the boat the ultimate direction may not be obvious to the crew, but to the captain and landbound observer, direction may be concluded by drawing a line of averages toward the horizon.
I feel as if I’m chemically ‘tacking’ my way into the headwinds of Depression and possibly ADD control. Each new pill takes me in a new direction. The dosage acts as my rudder.
Last week I probably steered into the wind a little harder than needed. The sail spun around and I lost a little momentum. Following a sense of tolerance for my new Adderall came some new anxiety. I took an Adderall vacation last weekend hoping to recover some virginity to the drug on Monday morning. It was a miserable weekend.
On Monday morning I took a single pill. Within the hour I was enjoying the warm snowfall in my head once again. Most of the day was productive but toward evening the scales were forming on my mind once again. I refrained from taking a second dose.
Tuesday through Friday I repeated the single dose. I’m pleased to report that I enjoyed stable predictability each day. It would be nice to have a clear head all the way to bed time, but I’m content to have a highly productive 4-6 hours early in the day. I’m also not taking a weekend med vacation this time. There’s no sense in hibernating through the weekend. Shouldn’t I be allowed to enjoy some non-work activity once or twice a week?
I have an appointment with Dr. Bjqvrk early Monday morning. I turn in my ADD screening questionnaire and will report back on my Adderall adventures.
In: Depression · Tagged with: Adderall, bi-polar, Depression, physician, psychiatrist, unable to concentrate