Gack: eXtended Release
It’s been a roller coaster week for mental clarity. Following my Monday appointment with the head doctor, I began a prescription of Adderall XR (extended release.) I explained how I felt a quick tolerance to the medication had built, but doctor Fzckt quickly shot down my theory. She claimed that it should have the same effect today as a year from today. I’m still not entirely sold.
On Tuesday morning I began the XR.
I didn’t notice any snow falling. There wasn’t any demarcation event felt as the drug took hold. However, I found myself deep in code mode throughout the afternoon. I was focused and able to whittle algorithms under the warm covers of the new medication. This will work. No warm snowfall, but the ultimate result was positive. One nice result was that I felt mental acuity well into the evening, something that was not possible under the traditional version of the drug.
By Thursday I was caught up with all my pending work and looking into new projects. My QA dept. was running behind so I was looking for other tasks to remain productive during work hours. In reflecting back, I’m not sure my mood decay toward the end of the week had anything to do with medication. It’s quite possible that I was just experiencing a couple bad days at the office. Stuff that everyone endures from time to time.
Friday felt like a very long day. I reviewed code and tried to study up on some new techniques while I awaited briefing on a new project. I could easily have taken the day off to vegetate and recharge, but the rules of 8 to 5 dictate an office presence regardless of output. Who was it that said 70% of job success is just showing up?
By the end of the work week I was exhausted and feeling the urgent need to leave the keyboard alone. When I get in that state of mind I fantasize about never having to use a computer again. Thoughts race through my mind about how my life had taken a wrong turn many years back when I chose a career in Information Technology. I get down on myself, and feel very mediocre about my skills. After all, the truly successful people in any occupation are those with internal passion. I can’t say that if I didn’t have to earn a living, that I would spend much time on a computer. Probably just for communication and looking up information. Passive tasks, but I can’t say I’ve ever had a driving desire to understand and perfect my craft.
Friday night through Saturday I was in a foul mood. Not so much into breaking things as just a disinterest in everything. I was feeling like a failure at life and longing for the dirt nap. I took my Adderall XR on Saturday morning, but it didn’t seem to provide any respite. I lounged around the house most of the day searching for motivation. I read a couple magazines but was unwilling to commit to a book. Television is always a passive pass-time. Between cable and satellite I’ve got a few hundred channels to choose from. I watched a prison show and a documentary about head shrinkers of the Amazon. I think all the prison shows that have surfaced recently serve to provide contrast for our desperate lives as corporate slaves. They show that life can be worse so you feel a bit more grateful for the daily desperation.
This morning (Sunday) I took a traditional Adderall. I was in need of contrast — I needed a familiar snow storm in my head and wasn’t sure the XR would produce. Sure enough, 45 minutes later I’m feeling hopeful. The snow fell, and for the first time in nearly a week I feel like writing again. I’m sitting here considering a number of things that I could engage in today, but foreboding the beginning of a new work week. What if the XR doesn’t work? Was my day of rest yesterday a new requirement for a productive work week? Maybe there’s something to the biblical weekly day of rest.
The doctor gave me six months of Symbyax/Deplin and three months of Adderall XR. I don’t return for a follow-up until April… or until I need additional help.
Perhaps it’s not the Adderall after all. Considering my mood seems to be the culprit at the moment, maybe the Symbyax/Deplin isn’t properly actuating. I think if my work had been more structured toward the end of the week, I may have just felt the exhaustion without the hopelessness. I plan to stay away from the keyboard today in an effort to trickle-charge my batteries for the coming week. I’ll be back to the XR in the morning.
In: Depression · Tagged with: Adderall, bi-polar, brain slow, Depression, psychiatrist, unable to concentrate