Medication Dreams
I’ve always enjoyed dreams. Not the waking kind but rather the real dreams during sleep when the mind attempts to compensate for waking stimulus and tries and achieve equilibrium. A mental re-charge for another day.
Some days I linger in the twilight of semi-consciousness, not wanting to completely leave the parallel universe of sleep. Awakening from a strange place that may or may not exist, I am enraptured in a feeling that I want to return to explore further. Some places I can’t remember if I’ve been there before, or if they are being rendered entirely by my mind.
Since getting back on medication my dream places have returned. I don’t recall dreaming during my long sabbatical from head-meds, but I’ve recently returned to similar places almost forgotten.
Last night I rafted a river that I’ve floated many times in dreams past. It’s a warm river and I’m with unknown but kindred souls as we run rapids through town and toward the suburbs on this familiar stretch of river. It’s not the same river as dreams past, yet it is. Familiar bends and shutes, but different location. Like many dreams, only the feeling remains the same. When I awaken I want more.
I want to return to the river but I can’t.
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The lute of Bassekou Kouyate provides background tonight as I attempt once again to determine my angle of repose. Still tumbling after 47 years and wondering if I’ll anchor before hitting bottom. Whatever bottom is.
It was a long day today. I set my sights low and still didn’t achieve my goal. After 5pm I still did not have my software behaving predictably. The upside is that my head wasn’t drowning in a sea of oscillating swells even after nine hours of staring at code. Without the meds, today would have been unbearable. I walked out the door and down the stairs to my truck to chase the disappearing sun off to the west. Yet another beautiful day sacrificed for what? … a little more rent money for the bankers?
In: Depression · Tagged with: bi-polar, Depression, dreams