Depression Reflection
I don’t know if I’ve aptly described the depressive episode in this blog other than as reference within another topic. So, here goes… (note that since calibrating the meds I haven’t had an extreme ‘down’ episode since October. A few minor downers while adjusting meds, but nothing bad.)
Perhaps it’s the natural optimism of youth that structures the depressive episode differently as a young person. In looking back decades I can recall episodes of depression manifested in what I considered just a part of life. Everyone has their ups and downs and I was just weakly managing my down times.
It came on like any illness, a bad cold or flu, only the symptoms were based in my head. When I was young I could identify an oncoming depressive episode by the relative ‘high’ of the moment. Perhaps it was my upbringing in a religious atmosphere of cosmic equilibrium that dampened my good times with foreboding doom. I was taught that the universe relied on justice. If you had good fortune, you (or someone else) would be paying for it, in this life or the next. It was only as an adult that I realized that justice is merely a wish that people delude themselves with to cope with the inevitable misfortunes of life. Regardless, I blamed mood equilibrium for bouts of depression. I was paying for the good times.
As I reached adulthood and shed the superstitions of youth, the depressive episodes continued. I still held to the idea that I might be off-balance, but it wasn’t so much a zero-sum game anymore. I began to search for answers in books and ideas, thinking that perhaps I was simply missing something that would fill the void during my down times. I learned a lot about life during that phase and had many eye/mind-opening revelations that turned my childhood reality of life on end. None of those ‘revelations’ mattered anyway as the depression continued. I was finding answers to questions I never had, which in a way gave me a sense of personal purpose.
Moving into the ‘productive years’ of adulthood, my doctor (at the time) suggested I was experiencing a biological condition of which I had no control over. This was to be the single biggest breakthrough both physically and psychologically in my depression. I’d spent my whole life taking responsibility for something I had no control over. That was about 15 years ago.
Here’s what a depressive episode looks like…
Sometimes there is a trigger. Bad news of some sort: unexpected bill, family tension… the neighbor cutting down a tree. But most of the time it simply happens. During the onset of an episode are foreboding symptoms, similar to the swollen glands or a swore throat precedes the flu, a certain headstorm begins to form in the brain. I know that in a day or two I’ll be in a full-blown depression.
My head turns gray and I lose emotion, empathy, and hope. I shut down socially finding everyone, including my closest family to be an annoyance. I just want to be left alone, but feel extreme pain in doing so. I wish I could sleep through it but the body can only withstand so much unconsciousness at one time. I bury my face in the pillow while my ears scream in a high pitch and the only hope I have is that life would end and take the pain away. I can appreciated the motivation of ‘cutters’ during this phase as any sensation is better than no sensation. I don’t act, merely endure. Time crawls as I function minimally. If I have obligations such as work or domestic duties during these phases, my gray turns to anger as I am unable to process thoughts. Little frustrations are amplified and trigger outbursts of irrational rage. Fortunately I’ve not harmed anyone physically, but I’m sure plenty have been offended emotionally by my harsh words or actions.
The duration is anywhere between three and ten days. During this time I just want to escape, to fade away, to find respite from the dull pain. One big difference between youth and middle age is that during my youth I could fantasize about escaping to a better life by physical movement. If only I could live in a better environment, enjoyed the company of other, more enlightened people, if only I could do this or that, life would be better. Truth is, it is all in my head. I’ve discovered that hell and paradise can be experienced anywhere, and has little to do with environment. Perhaps it’s maturity, or rational conclusion that has contributed to some very low lows. Where I could one time fantasize of a better life, I can now only suffer.
Suicide.
It is always a possibility during depression. I have spent a lot of time pondering the subject during my depressive episodes but have not acted upon it. During the darkness I just wish that life could end. Nothing seems worth living for, and knowing there will be future episodes with the same pain, it becomes unbearable. The flawed rationality in my head considers my life to be a failed experiment in biology. Suicide becomes nothing more than the natural thinning of the herd.
It’s hard to say what might ramp out of an episode. I don’t think anything other than brain chemicals starting to function properly once again. Just as bad news might trigger a downward spiral, sometimes good news during a neural springtime provides hope and catalyst for recovery. Just as recovering from influenza, weakness and vulnerability provide for a hopscotch recovery.
In recent years there has been less hope and more foreboding during depression, mostly in knowing that there would be future episodes. Prior to this exploration I had been self medicating for about five years. I was taking a heap of vitamins. Multi, 1000mg garlic, B-complex, D, fish oil, st. Johns wart, 5-htc. Since taking the Symbyax I can’t say my vitamin routine provided any results, although I will say that I haven’t been sick for a long time. When I was young I constantly caught whatever illness that was making the rounds. Even though I’m taking the Symbyax/Adderall combo, I still take my vitamins. I suppose it can’t hurt.
Food allergies have always been on my radar for cause, but I’ve never identified a positive correlation between depression and anything I’ve eaten. Exercise is another exploration. When I was younger and had the time and place, I rode my bicycle for long stretches. I can still identify periods of depression during that time, but have a general recall of feeling good. As I get older, exercise seems to cost more in terms of recovery than in any benefit.
It’s difficult to describe depression to those who haven’t experienced it. Everyone experiences causal depression at some point in their life… it’s a part of life. But clinical or biological depression is another animal, and only those who have it can relate. To understand it you need to temporarily erase all the good times from past memory, and abandon all hope for the future. There is no thought or feeling other than doom, and certainly all rationality flies out of the head. No one can say anything helpful and there is no base for optimism.
I’m happy to say that I’ve not had an extended depressive episode for better than six months. It was interesting that prior to my ADD diagnosis I was having episodes of mental frustration where I questioned whether the Symbyax was working. That was when Dr.Kkjsez suggested the Adderal, which proved to be the balancing ointment. Since then I have been able to meter my days with varying dosages, predictably throttling my mental states as needed.
In: Depression · Tagged with: Adderall, bi-polar, Depression, unable to concentrate