Results or placebo effect?
I’ve identified my first possible benefit of neurofeedback therapy… I think.
While I find reading enjoyable, it’s always been a laborious task. Only as an adult have I been able to find enough enjoyment in the occupation to meter the focus and concentration required to slog through a book. Frequently I would read several pages mechanically, trolling through the words only to pause and realize I was getting no meaning from what I was reading. I would have to stop, go back to where I last knew what was going on, and start over reading the same material. Depending on the topic, and whether my mental rhythm was in sync with my interest in the book dictated how often I had to jump back. This made reading a real chore, but it was something I’d grown accustomed to. I was a very slow reader because of this handicap.
Recently I’ve found myself energized by reading. I usually try to read at least an hour before bed, and it was often much less time as I could hardly keep my eyes open for very long. Lately I’ve not only been able to log many more pages in a short period of time, but I find myself unable to stop. Sometimes I return to the shelves to cross-reference something or simply to browse through other books in search of interesting topics.
Furthermore, the actual process of comprehension while reading has taken a positive turn. Instead of zoning out for pages at a time, I find myself not getting beyond a paragraph before I snap back to task. I can identify the same feeling in my brain as when I’m in a neurofeedback session and being made aware by the software that I’m not on task. I can sense a parallel between the two exercises.
I also noticed that my mental endurance has found new stamina. Today could easily have given way to a depressive episode but I didn’t slide. Instead I’m feeling optimistic and alert with the pre-occupation of current projects along with the anticipation of my newly acquired ability to remain focused.
I just counted my therapy receipts… 10 sessions so far, one-fifth of the distance. It really doesn’t matter to me if placebo is at work, something is making my head work better than it ever has before and I’ll take that as a win.
—
Last night I went to a favorite place in my dreams. It’s a wide river somewhere in the desert southwest. I’m with a group of kindred souls who enjoy the motion of the river. Sometimes in rafts, other times just floating freely through the gentle rapids under the warm sun. The water, wind, and landscape fills me with peace and hope that lasts throughout the day as I occasionally pause to wonder if and where such a place exists.
In: Depression · Tagged with: bi-polar, Depression, Neurofeedback, unable to concentrate