About
This is a blog about coping with depression. Not the depression that comes with a reason; like when your dog dies, or you lose your job, but I’m talking about the type of depression that has no rational cause. To the average reader, my life would appear great by most standards. I have health (physical), great family, great job, home, vacations, toys, time… yet sometimes I just want to kill myself. It doesn’t make any sense, does it? Well, I’ve lived with it my entire life, and you’re right, it doesn’t make sense.
About 15 years ago my doctor diagnosed me as bi-polar. He explained that my life was being ruled by some chemicals in my brain that are not secreting (or whatever brain chemicals do) properly. In my early years I just thought it was God rewarding or punishing my behavior (even though I was being rewarded/punished inconsistently.) As a young adult, I still thought it might be behavior-based, but perhaps it was me and not God playing with my head.
The good doc finally provided an explanation that made sense. He said it is nothing more than yet another biological mystery. The causes and cures are a new frontier to the medical community, but having identified the illness, new pharmaceuticals are being pioneered all the time to help calibrate the synaptic gray matter. Having spent time as an unguided youth buried in my Mr. Wizard chemistry set, I had a rough idea of how chemicals reacted.
Since that diagnosis I’ve eaten my way through most of the pharmaceutical solutions with varying degrees of success. Even though I’m starting this blog 15 years after discovery, I hope to dredge up memories of my depression treatment along the way. There were a few uppers, lots of downers, but all memorable.
I don’t know if I’ll ever get to the bottom of my depression and finally find a cure, but I plan to document the process here. Note that when I’m writing, it is probably a manic phase. When I’m depressed I don’t do much other than space out. Even if I could type a sentence it probably wouldn’t make any sense.
Please feel free to leave comments on blog installments, but if you would like to contact the author of this site privately, please send email to elb@deadweight.org.